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Mike thinks you can do way better than Jonah Hex this weekend. Why not watch True Grit, instead?
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Watch This Instead Reviews Jonah Hex
Hi this is Mike from Subsstream.com and this is an episode of watch this instead for the weekend in Friday the 18th of June, so there’s this movie that comes out today. It’s a special bi-generic two genres in one. It’s a supernatural western—anyway the movie is called Jonah Hex and we’re going to spoil some things when I talk about the impression of the film but I have to because I need to communicate to you how intensely you need to not see this movie.
This movie has a demon cowboy who has the power to talk to the dead. He put his hand on them and then they wake up then they tell him things above things. The demon cowboy got this power because he almost died and he was saved by some Indians and he almost died because he got burned up by a confederate general who used to be his general. The demon cowboy was in the confederate army but he didn’t support slavery because he didn’t like the government telling him what to do. The confederate general was mad at the demon cowboy because the demon cowboy killed the confederate general’s son who he was best friends with and an incident went completely unexplained in the film because the film 81 minutes was probably running longer and they had to cut out the back story.
So the confederate general to get revenge on the demon cowboy lights the demons cowboy’s family on fire and makes him watch them burn and then he burns up the demon cowboys face and brands his initials into his face. That makes the demon cowboy so mad, even though it gave him talk to the dead powers, the demon cowboy heats up a hatchet in the fire and then he tries to burn/cut the original burn off his face but he just ends up mangling it even worse and puts a hole on it where whiskey pours of the side of it.
The confederate general is played by John Malkovich and they chose him for some reason to make him look exactly like the cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. Especially in scenes where he was talking to a fan celeb played by West Bentley who apparently works for the government. He just has dinner with this West Bentley character who has really terrible-terrible teeth and goes uh-uh-uh like that. Anyway, well learned that who played in Job in Arrested Development as a soldier who works for the President of the United States, who needs to go find Jonah Hex, the demon cowboy to help him stop the confederate general who has put together a super weapon that was invented by Eli Whitney who then reminded in the film kicked off the industrial revolution.
In anyways, he invented a giant octo cannon which is mounted on a boat that shoots eight giant metal balls that land in the street and then shoots one glowing orange ball which lands near the originally fires metal ball and then it makes then explode. The confederate general found the eyewitness weapon, put it in a boat and he’s going to blow up Washington DC on the fourth of July and ruin Ulysses Grants whole plan and Jonah Hex has to stop them.
One time he almost dies and he pukes up a crow and he gets power over crows, somehow. Also Michael Shannon was a great actor and he’s onscreen for four seconds playing the leader of the Gladiator circus that has a snake man in it who is really skinny, knows kung fu and drools acid, completely unconnected to anything else but on the knee. The demon cowboy has an eye on his throat and he also has the power that every time he almost dies he gets an imaginary fight with people that he’s angry with in a big open area made of red clay. And at the end of the film the demon cowboy walks out of President Ulysses Grant office, the oval office having turned down, the presidents offer to make him sheriff of America.
The whole movie, the whole Jonah Hex Demon Cowboy Epic is only like 81 or 82 minutes long including credits which give a rate of 1.2 retarded things per minute. That RPM rate is only topped by the 1996 adaptation of the Island of Doctor Morrow. The one that starred Marlon Brando, the one right and bothered learning his lines, he just had an earpiece and the Director said hey this and blah blah blah. And had a big metal hat that he filled with ice to keep him cold while Val Kilmer went off in deep end of the background.
So you can go watch that instead but what you should probably actually watch if you want to watch a good movie is the classic John Wayne one eye rooster cog burn classic solo genre western “True Grip.” It’s being remade right now as we speak by the Collin brothers who directed Josh Brolin in “No Country for Old Men.”
Josh Brolin is going to star in the remake to Tru Grip and Josh Brolin also stars as a certain demon cowboy named Jonah Hex in Jonah Hex which is a movie that stars Josh Brolin that you should not watch.