Emma Howard: Now parenting can be a tricky business that can cause no end of stress to mums and dads. Luckily Lorraine Thomas, one of the UK's top parent coaches is here to answer some of your questions. We've got quite a few to go through Lorraine. People have written in and emailed and even phoned in with these questions.

First one is quite a long one. My baby Luis is 12 weeks old. She is gorgeous. But being a mom is more hectic than I imagined. You need so much energy. When I am tired, everything seems hard. I think we can all relate to that. The house work never gets finished. All I do as much as I can when she is asleep. The other day, from the video for ten minutes while I did the washing. Now the crux of this question is lost but I always said, I wouldn't do that when I became a mum, I felt so guilty. She is just being pulled in every direction, isn't she?

Lorraine Thomas: Absolutely Emma. I think you know that's a great example. It's like so many moms, they say, oh, I just can't believe what difference having a baby, you know, people said, I would feel tired and it would change my life and it's a complete roller coaster, isn't it? I think having a baby just completely changes your life. And you have no idea.

Emma Howard: Actually you do. You know people told you you'd be tired but you're floored by it.

Lorraine Thomas: Absolutely. I think being a mom is the most challenging, the most rewarding.

Emma Howard: Absolutely.

Lorraine Thomas: And you can have those challenges and rewards within a minute call you as a mom. You know how too fast. It's the most important thing that you all are fatigues. I think once you become a mom, there are normality of it really hates you to see and I think, you know, I am a mom, I mean a life long commitment. It's the most important job I am ever going to do. I think what loss of moms, that that's too is that they really try hard to be the perfect mom. You know the stakes are so high.

Emma Howard: And you have to keep your house clean at the same time.

Lorraine Thomas: Absolutely, absolutely everything.

Emma Howard: I mean this too -- it didn't sound too bad to me, I mean pushing it -- for ten minutes, I feel she was doing quite well. She hadn't sat in front of it all morning, all afternoon, what would you say to her? She is saying, have I done the wrong thing, isn't she? Because she thinks she has.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah. I think guilt is something that moms do particularly well, do they? We only making incredibly easy for ourselves to feel guilty about all sorts of things and not only do we make it easy, we tell everybody else about how guilty it is.

Emma Howard: You are --

Lorraine Thomas: And do you -- you hear that word, when you were on the high course, when you've done something, some pretty odd crimes but moms use it about themselves all the time. I think the more you tell yourself, the more guilty you feel to it.

Emma Howard: I think you are absolutely right. I feel shame that I apply --

Lorraine Thomas: It's no good for you or your baby.

Emma Howard: Yes.

Lorraine Thomas: I think, you know, don't try to be the perfect mom because the perfect mom doesn't exist and the perfect child doesn't exist. So if you try to be the perfect mom, you're setting yourself up to fail.

Emma Howard: So call yourself some -- that's what you're saying.

Lorraine Thomas: Absolutely. Be good enough and be a fun mom. It's much more important to be a fun mom. I think there is some of the - you take some of the shortcuts and don't try to do everything. If you sat your child in front of video for ten minutes, you know, I think that's great.

Emma Howard: -- this Liz is great.

Lorraine Thomas: I talked to -- on the way in today. He said, he never believe I did yesterday. I think I've gone to - and she sat her child in front of the washing machine because she said she was fascinated and just gave the child to do something. You know, don't give yourself a hard time because actually if you do somethings like, you know, use the video for ten minutes, buy some readymade meals, don't change the baby every five minutes.

Emma Howard: Yes.

Lorraine Thomas: Make life a bit easier and it's front take.

Emma Howard: And let time for yourself.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah.

Emma Howard: And just give your moment a pausing breath and then you come back because the fun you talk about is very hard to achieve when you're tired, isn't it?

Lorraine Thomas: It's so hard to and I think you know, something that sudden, you know, our viewer points that there is -- she tries to get as much done when the baby is asleep.

Emma Howard: I was well worried that she felt really tired in that, because Lorraine, it's kind of a good idea practically someway. In reality, it means that you keep going and you keep going.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah, don't do it. And it's really hard -- it's a decision you have to make.

Emma Howard: Yeah.

Lorraine Thomas: So when the baby is asleep, actually every mom, they will jump and say, I will just feed the dishwasher or just hoof around here so that when the baby wakes up, I can be a mum together, you know mum again. But you are the engine room as a mom and it's really important that you are in top form. Mums are on the go 24/7 all day. Anyone who says, sleep like a baby --

Emma Howard: Yes.

Lorraine Thomas: I think when your baby is asleep, take that time to have - either have it not for yourself, read the paper, have a bath, do something that's just for your, because actually you know, at the end of day, you will feel much better.

Emma Howard: Yes. Now I agree with you totally.

Lorraine Thomas:: To do everything else. It's hard because mums say --

Emma Howard: I call it people in my house -- unless I certainly went through that. But when I was exhausted, I then wasn't the best mom I could be because I'd be short tempered, especially with two because then you're totally get -- because you will just say frustration. But I do think that you do need to sit down and have a talking to yourself, now come on.

Lorraine Thomas: Absolutely.

Emma Howard: Get in perspective.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah.

Emma Howard: --

Lorraine Thomas: Exactly and do it when you are not so tired.

Emma Howard: Yes.

Lorraine Thomas: I think it's an e-mom as you say, you get new levels of tiredness and you know tiredness is -- it really is the worst thing I think --

Emma Howard: We can't operate until.

Lorraine Thomas: We can't operate anything, you know the little things become big things.

Emma Howard: We've got another question here. This is going on about this feeling guilty. I've just had a new baby and my daughter is taking it badly. I did everything I could to prepare her but I am finding her really demanding. She has attention every time, I need to do something like feeding the new baby and she wants me all of the time and makes me full of anxious. Here we go again with this. I am stressed and I am shouting and feeling really guilty. This is very common with the second child, isn't it?

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah, absolutely.

Emma Howard: The first child of course is jealous. Again if you're rushing around doing everything, you will just fried at the edges and you'll totally ends up being shattered. I mean we've all done it. How do we stop 0:05:47?

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah we've all done it. I think, do you know, no matter how much you prepare, a brother or sister for a little baby coming home again, it's the shock is that you can never really prepare them for how it will be. Somebody said to me once, well, it's like your husband bringing home another women.

Emma Howard: 0:06:05. It fills me with horror.

Lorraine Thomas: For your child, isn't will be like that, because suddenly they've had you and you are their mom and they love you 0:06:14.

Emma Howard: Something in between you and their mom.

Lorraine Thomas: Certainly they go to shell. And even as adults, sharing is a really difficult thing to come to terms with. I think the point you made you earlier too Emma, often is the toddler 0:06:23, we feel takes the brunt. We often as adults, we end up sort of acting the age of our children when we're having a temperature.

Emma Howard: It's when we get involved with them and with that happens 0:06:35

Lorraine Thomas: Then it happens to all of us, isn't it? Every mom, and every dad will know what that's like. I think you won't 0:06:40 the perfect situation, wherever you want to go, really nicely, and it's the learning curve, isn't it?

Emma Howard: Learning 0:06:47 happen when you are calm but of course there are always moments when we leaves it, because usually we're tired. We're stressfully rushing about the baby is crying, the toddler is crying. What tips can you give to kind of pull ourselves back so that we do calm down and we don't live with it.

Lorraine Thomas: Well, I think you did well, which every mom does say to me is I am going with my own aging, not my children.

Emma Howard: Oh yes.

Lorraine Thomas: Now I think just to take a 0:07:08 because sometimes you feel, they press the buttons or they know what to say to send this over the edge actually, but you know, I believe as moms and dads are in control and it's really hard and you do have to make a conscious effort 0:07:21. If they throw a tension, then you throw one back. You know these minor battles escalate into huge wars, don't they?

Emma Howard: Very quickly.

Lorraine Thomas: 0:07:29 and off you go.

Emma Howard: 0:07:32.

Lorraine Thomas: 0:07:32. I had one moment, 0:07:36, what we're going to do, who do you become when you have that kind of tension. And she said, I'd become 0:07:43. And I said, she was often she will do. She said, I do actually because I just get so frustrated and exasperated. Everything my little toddler does and I've got baby to worry about and it's the toddler takes the brunt for it. 0:07:52 breath you know and I am saying, what to do that for. And I just say, who would you like to be? And she said, well, I'd like to be Morris Simpson actually, I think awful fun.

Emma Howard: Oh, fantastic.

Lorraine Thomas: 0:08:06 this is how thinks. She said every time I felt that I was 0:08:09

Emma Howard: The battle was coming out.

Lorraine Thomas: I think no, this is the mum I want to be and you have to practice. It doesn't happen overnight because it is really challenging.

Emma Howard: You have to prepare.

Lorraine Thomas: I think in this situation too, you have to be --

Emma Howard: So visualize the person you want to be.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah, visualize them. You do be that person, I am that person and you do practice.

Emma Howard: And that calms you.

Lorraine Thomas: Yes, practice. I think when you go to bed a night, think about the things that you've done well as a mom because you know, a 0:08:34 mom said to me, when they go to sleep, there is sort of the big picture they have in their head says, oh, why on earth did I shout, say that, or do this, or you know do this --

Emma Howard: Yes.

Lorraine Thomas: And that's how I go to sleep. I think especially tired moms with young babies, you need to go to sleep with really positive thoughts. So instead of thinking that, you know, make a really conscious effort to think about what's going well during the day.

Emma Howard: That's really useful.

Lorraine Thomas: Moms save a huge amount on a hourly basis.

Emma Howard: Yes.

Lorraine Thomas: We do a fantastic --

Emma Howard: Incredible impressive.

Lorraine Thomas: We don't power ourselves in the back, we tell each other, we haven't done, should have done, would like to do better if we had more time. But we do an amazing amount. I am just in this particular situation Emma, and what I would say is I think for a toddler, they want your attention as a mom, they are desperate for your attention, especially if they've got to shell.

Emma Howard: 0:09:20 competition.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah, absolutely. And they don't being told off this attention. You know even as just being told off, they are getting your attention. That's what they want. So what you really want to do is think about the behavior that you want to encourage in them.

Emma Howard: So you notice them when they are behaving well.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah. Catch them red handed being a good sister. Catch her red handed being a good sister. You know and incentives her so that she knows when she helps you with the baby, when she looks, when she helps you look after the baby, when she shares with the baby, actually you are catching her red handed being a good sister, like one of your way to do that.

Emma Howard: So that rewarding the baby can even apply if they are sitting quietly and reading a book.

Lorraine Thomas: Absolutely.

Emma Howard: And tell them they are doing really well.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah, absolutely because I think often our focus forgotten because we got so many things to think about is that we really focus on the things they aren't doing.

Emma Howard: Right.

Lorraine Thomas: That we want them to do it their way. You know, making the noise, tidying up the toys, the things that we don't want them to do, that gets our attention. Actually the things that they do well often go unnoticed, because as you say, you have a conscious effort and have a good sister take a child.

Emma Howard: Yes. They take a child quite good when they are about three years old and a bit younger than that, they don't work so well, but from about three or four, they are quite good often

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah. I think for a toddler, 0:10:35 is sort of different, they do different.

Emma Howard: This bribing toddlers is fantastic, isn't it? Her treats - stick a towel with the treats at the end.

Lorraine Thomas: The one other thing I would say it's also I think within your baby suddenly, you know, where is all my time gone? You know moms say, what do I do with my time?

Emma Howard: Yes, yes.

Lorraine Thomas: But I think what's really important is to create a support network so as a mom, you have the chance to spend some time just with each of the children on their own so that you do have special time still with your toddler and talk to upon over the grandparents or with the friends or family who are in similar situations.

Emma Howard: How most time would you say -- but that's quite a lot of time when you are stretched and busy and you got two children.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah.

Emma Howard: But what realistic and how --

Lorraine Thomas: And then time to spending time with --

Emma Howard: With one child alone, making them feel special -- taken away by the other child, will half an hour a day be good to set aside?

Lorraine Thomas: I think any regular time is good because actually you have ten or 15 minutes.

Emma Howard: Yeah.

Lorraine Thomas: So even if it's, you know, you're pulling -- and takes the baby for you, you know, just even for a short amount of time and you are 100% focused. It's really important to be focused on having fun, don't be frantic, and be a friend mom not frantic mom. While you are with toddler, just only think of them, have fun, I think it's important for mums to have fun.

Emma Howard: Yeah. My mom is really excited that so easily.

Lorraine Thomas: Absolutely.

Emma Howard: Can I just move us onto slightly different subjects. We've got one question here from a woman who says, she is desperate to stop breastfeeding, her son Sam in one. She says, he looks at her as though he knows what she is thinking, he feeds all day and night and she is exhausted. She says, if I could cut on day feeding, it would really help. I want the energy to enjoy being a mum. Coming back to this thing you have about being a fun mum, but how does she stop breastfeeding Sam, he is a year-old.

Lorraine Thomas: I think one of the first thing is to stop letting your imagination run away with you and nothing is small. We do that a lot day, we -- children off to the nursery or the child's lunge, thinking all, he is looking at me, how can you even contemplate stopping --

Emma Howard: -- reading that into their expressions.

Lorraine Thomas: I think -- do you know, I think it's really important that we really in a cuddlier baby and tell them, what will be the benefit if you're stopping breastfeeding. So instead of focusing on, what's going through their mind, what if -- you know, it's our imagination running away, just deal with it here and now. You know cuddlier, tell them what you love about them as a baby and tell them and -- back the baby but just not articulate at yourself. You know what the biggest benefit of being a mum who stops breastfeeding will be for you. And actually she mentions, she wants the energy.

Emma Howard: Yeah.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah, so she wants to be an energetic, wow, this is --

Emma Howard: And I read it into that being fun mum, because she says I want to enjoy being a mum.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah absolutely. So that's a really good incentive, isn't it? You know whenever she has the doubt. I think mums and dads have a great guy instinct to them. Do you know they know when they --

Emma Howard: Often do I trust it though doing it.

Lorraine Thomas: They do trust it. I think we've embodied all the time with different advice from friends and family and other moms and television and magazines and all sorts of things. They were saying sort of slightly different things. I think as a mom and a dad, trust your gut instinct.

Emma Howard: So don't listen to you at all.

Lorraine Thomas: Listen to it but I think and decide to do at a time when you feel in a positive frame of mind. I think you stop breastfeeding, it's a big step is there, and it's right for you. It's going to have a great impact on your family life too, isn't it? You're going to get that energy, you're going to be a fun mom. If your baby cries up in a frantic, that's the world they knows and end up as frantic people -- to grow out with fun moms in a fun --

Emma Howard: Is that's quite important, isn't it? Our emotions do transfer onto the babies quite easily.

Lorraine Thomas: Absolutely.

Emma Howard: More easily than we know.

Lorraine Thomas: Yeah.

Emma Howard: So you think of your positive and found they will get that impression of confidence and take in onboard.

Lorraine Thomas: I think we are the most powerful role model and that's a real responsibility. Isn't the basically fantastically exciting responsibility, isn't they? So I think moms and the dad say to me, well, I want my child to grow up happy and be confident, you know what can I do? And I say, well the first step is smile at them, listen to them with your eyes and --

Emma Howard: You decide to really go. I'll move onto one question that I know a lots of moms worry about and I certainly have been plagued by these worries myself and it can be an obsession for lots of new parents. This woman is written and saying that she has a small son Ben who is happy, he is healthy. But she says, since he was born, she is found herself worrying that something is going to happen to him. I also worry that I or my partner die. I used to be such a positive person, she says, I don't know what's happened to me. This is quite common, isn't it? Parents worrying they're going to die, the child is going to die, we've suddenly became obsessed with this and it's come from nowhere. Why do new parents often have this fear?

Lorraine Thomas: I think that's absolutely right. I mean that's such a natural response. You know so many moms and dads say, when they have children they start to worry in a big way for the very first time. Lots of mums does exactly the same thing, you know, I was really positive and such an optimist. Then since they have a baby and suddenly it can be little things they worry about, finding a car parking space or which nursery to send them to or what are they going to have for lunch --

Emma Howard: Yes, the anxiety levels go way up

Lorraine Thomas: Right the way through to feeling really anxious about something serous happening, themselves dying, their partner dying, the baby dying. I think it's a natural feeling. I think when you are responsible for yourself, you know, that's one thing, isn't it? But suddenly you become responsible for little person and those responsibilities are huge. Suddenly I think the enormity of that really hits you and so it's easy to understand why you won't be able to - you are happy, you got your child and you won't be able to be good but you feel I mean what if, you know what if.

Emma Howard: And maybe do you think it's because it feel so good and you feel this incredible level of happiness. Do you think that it's often that feeling that it's going to be taken away that we don't allow ourselves to feel that happy?

Lorraine Thomas: Absolutely. I think going back to the guilt, sometimes I think that's absolutely right. The moms and dads say, oh, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I still feel, it might be taken, it might be taken away.

Emma Howard: So how do we compass it Lorraine?

Lorraine Thomas: So I think what we have to do, it's a huge thing is that you really have to focus on it coming but focus on often coming it because it will make a big impact on you as a mom and your relationship with your baby. I think we have to really focus on not living in the what if world, because by living in the what if world, it does absolutely nothing for you, it just makes you more worried and more anxious.

Emma Howard: Very good for people who are obsessed.

Lorraine Thomas: Yet sometimes by worrying is helping us, isn't it? By worrying about this family --

Emma Howard: Yes. You've considered it.

Lorraine Thomas: We sort of - but actually it doesn't at all. If we're worried and we worry, we feel more worried, how do I feel less worried? All you have to do is take some action. Just stop thinking about and talking about it and then just take some small step and actually you'll see --

Emma Howard: Very interesting. It's okay if taking action. I want to move as I want to ask question. My son isn't mixing well, he is three but won't join in birthday parties. He just clings to me. This mum says, she gets embarrassed and ends up getting stressed, so what kind of action she need to take to stop the scenario?

Lorraine Thomas: I think first of all, she has to really work on not being embarrassed and not being stressed. Don't worry about - take off that bad mom T-shirt, don't think about what everybody else is thinking. Lots of mums are in that same situation.

Emma Howard: Don't you think toddlers picking up on her embarrassment as well.

Lorraine Thomas: Absolutely. I think she feel stressed and embarrassed. Her little one will feel stressed and embarrassed. So she is the most powerful role model. So as a mom, make a really conscious effort to do as much socializing as much mixing, whether it's with the other moms at the play group or the nursery or wherever it is. Even if you don't feel confident about going out to moms and dads that you haven't spoken to before, do something this week that shows your little one that you -- that you are a great role model.

Emma Howard: Right.

Lorraine Thomas: Because sometimes I think you can feel that, oh I do I do feel very comfortable mixing.

Emma Howard: -- light of her, yes.

Lorraine Thomas: That projects onto your little one because you're both beating each other's insecurity in that way.

Emma Howard: So do you think some parents are looking at their children think, they're not mixing well but not looking at themselves and actually they don't mix in very well, like that.

Lorraine Thomas: I think that's true. Right the way across the board and lots of things that we do without children. We might look at them, I think they don't seem very comfortable, they are not mixing. I think the first point of course is you.

Emma Howard: Yes.

Lorraine Thomas: Take a step back instead of focusing on them and what they do and what you would like them to do, take a loop at how you are in that social situation. Actually it might be the first time you've ever --

Emma Howard: -- for some parents it will be.

Lorraine Thomas: I think that with mums like this, it's really important, just think, how am I going to be the best role model I can to help my child mix and they are -- even if it's tough, you know, even if it's tough because they will see you doing it and they will be along beside. The more you mix, the more they will mix.

Emma Howard: Lorraine, absolutely fabulous. We got some more questions, we've run out of time. You must come back and we'll go through more but really interesting advice. Thank you so much for talking to us today.

Lorraine Thomas: Thank you.