Lorraine Thomas answers some questions about parenting.
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Catrina Skepper: We love hearing from you on the baby channel and as usual our mail is full to bursting with your questions about parenting, so we have invited one of countries leading parenting coaches the Lauraine Thomas, to ask your questions. Welcome Lauraine.
Lauraine Thomas: Hi!
Catrina Skepper:Again because I should say you will somebody with every parent would like to have a the end of the telephone and you probably here these sorts of questions often but down the less than that very concerning to the individual and I had I think quite distressing one in this week what I want to read at you “is that what about as she written and said we have lovely daughter Amy -- 6 months old everything should be perfect my husband and I seem to argue even the little things all time, the problem is me when he gets him from work I have no time energy left for him and he feels left out I am at home all day and so I don’t want and at the same time I feel -- enough time and this evenings, I just want to get Amy done and go to sleep my self.
Lauraine Thomas: now that’s such a common feeling in with moms and dads Catrina, I think moms are all always in quite surprised to have tired they feel you know that up behave all day to come to baby and then I feel tired in evening --
Catrina Skepper: now your husband always they put him down --
Lauraine Thomas: yeah, an actually you know you are on the cot 24/7 on you say its there is good reason for wives, absolutely you -- and just want to cool in to bed, you know the end of the day, and lots of moms you know that I worked with they starts they said you know the sex is you know that top of my in a -- have -- poverties, and the possible might to do this, and the last thing in your mind is isn’t, and I think a lots of day moms and dads having a baby such a lot changing you know experience, that that’s when need a they can really feel that the relationship is under pressure, and you know -- the dad will feel that he pushed bit on packing all dress quite hard thing to comes
Catrina Skepper: My chance is -- you are not house and not with the 3 children
Lauraine Thomas: Yeah, and I think you know my moms take of themselves of lot of time and we need to make little bit -- but -- I think you know for moms who feeling on that, its really important that you create some you know mean time some special time, you know during the day you know or in the evening you know -- a strong support network you know somebody who can give a you know you are not sleep in the baby sleeps don’t do house work, you know, recharge your batteries you cant just keep giving ow, get giving own, you know because there are your relationships you know will feel astray, you really need to get give some time to stop.
And you know and to give yourself rest so even if the baby sleeping sleep don’t do the house work, and you stop this often doing because you so much better, but you know -- put the another name mom using a similar situation, you know and you know and give your time to get for walk and you get to the shop or
Catrina Skepper: what about talking to somebody during day and actually saying unloading a little bit with pressure and talking about with the another mom about the pressures, especially when it comes to evening time because you don’t your all the times talk with your phone and I think that’s one of the key thing so you need to make five or ten minutes of conversation which doesn’t include baby talk or you know telling our stressful you will days been in, make your partner.
Lauraine Thomas: because I think you know what going to happen you are going to spend negative spiral cant and you get drew in to and it sort of comes tits for tat, cant -- you do that I have done that -- and it’s quite easy for still makes to do when you are in mom and dads not there, so much to do that can easily become a and so you, you don’t really you know stay and touch with you love about your partner so we know what I was -- toddlers ate to moms with toddles actually who you know of being big challenging, now instead of looking on them we are seeing in the negative and look your partner say you love about them, to know because you got to get to with them you know and got your baby and there were think is the name she find the really attractive.
So we are often focusing on the things that your not doing, and what’s so ever tasting you about them, you know look at them and focus on what you love about them, you know and tell him, and tell him what they do while at the dads, as well, guess one time is a child you know with our children is there sometimes you know all the good things that they do, because was I busy we take this for granted, and we focus on the things that I doing to and I think you know you needs to be positive with the each other, if you put the tip with your partner and now you can bring about changes in the way he is with I would definitely stay go on the day, you know you sit five or ten minutes and that’s fantastic, by which you know all the full colors.
We will have friends or family or you know you don’t have to got to go on you know we will not don’t seeing, but you know each week you know we -- we have for regular -- in your dairy, when you are acutely you know have you know the grandparents or friends or family who call and look after your little one and as a mom’s in their quite effort he is leaving your little warm with some days --
Catrina Skepper: and I think also one of the things we do is give a lot of physical love to our children and we hug them we handle more day long, and actually we set the measurement of sex but that’s not just what it is its about being physically closed to your partner and your husband, and he will just making him feel -- so give him a big hug when he want to go --
Lauraine Thomas: No I think absolutely you are right, you know sometimes we will feel better totally, you will have you know curdle of that back contact is still important is int that , and say you know to created the time just come with the partner and didn’t talk and take the challenge of not talking about the children, is a so easiest while is that, to get so just spend your whole time talking about that the -- but actually you know you need to nurture each other to even and really you know really every good relationship needs investing in a time and energy investing that’s doesn’t just happen you know just you know some of the partner or relationships is and that’s such a common you know such a common question could strain that you know the moms asking again and again so such as good one…
Catrina Skepper: Well I see it’s a good time to say that If you would like to ask her question on any topic you can contact the baby channel direct just call 0905-028-0090 and leave a voice mail, calls cost 25 -- minute from a land line, or you can text just text the word “baby” followed by your question, to 282-540 and the text will cost 25 p, thank you and I just want to start of your session because all the time we think these questions coming magically but she its very important because they are very direct and common issues but we need to have them addressed.
By some body who knows about them like you and there is a another one here which is again on the guilt issue that we have touched on before, and I am back a work having after having James but since giving birth my confidence is taking real knock, I am doing my best but all the other moms seeing much more self assured, I don’t feel is good at my job as I used and I am sure my colleague feel the same, I feel guilty when I leave the office to go and pick her up, so actually this is -- more concerned okay about the work situation and she feels some how less seemed to by having a hug may be we just so wrong.
Lauraine Thomas: Absolutely, and I think there is an other the reason about the question is really good could to think and I think that’s one of the think that you know being a mom or occurring through this, we think always just happening to us and every body else who always seems to be handling everything much better, but she then the real going through the same stuck with the same challenges and this is the really common, the natural charity parental put in ourselves and -- we show that 2 or 3 moms that their confidence took a real knock, when they went back to work,
Catrina Skepper: And that’s just not physical confidence that’s actually the fact that some how the mental abilities that abilities go coop up work seemed to decreased, is that all own imagination?
Lauraine Thomas: well, I think its you know its more its tell your self is there, and I think -- to be because she become a mom you know it’s a really responsible -- some -- think and stay and you want he wants to do really well, and say you will very stuff critical your moms full often so say you know talk themselves down, and what you do -- talk they haven’t talking about what they do, daily basis when all mom to -- on a daily basis, that’s how you haven’t done the feel guilty about --
Catrina Skepper: using different words actually no languages put no I should have but saying I could have part I did this --
Lauraine Thomas: absolutely, you know I am concentrating what you are do achieve rather then well doing to achieve, and I think todays interesting that all the research says that quarter of us true, so this lady and there was thinking that people or imagining she does her job in less efficient to take it home, but the companies all the researchers will show you, that actually moms are the most productive most focused, they are the people you can have in your work for their really valuable resource, because they are fantastic you know you are just corporate -- time, and then imagine directs of the most important company the world that asked there family and they come you will basically in to work, do you know so they are deal with the 101 things that will be really you know productive mother or creative back of the solve their problems, you know and they have great in to partners skills,
Catrina Skepper: It’s waste time to wake away, you know just saying on here we saying what is time to wake away and you have done your job, don’t feel guilty about going hold to your baby,
Lauraine Thomas: Absolutely, there are, there are two things I would say for leave work, always I have spend the last 5 minutes you know focusing on what you have achieve during the day rather thinking well I have go to the bottom might to do listing, and because you can know we do that, there all ways big things to do think all we know -- we are not get in to -- so think about what you have achieve when you leave, hold your head up hi, you know it’s a great there is you making a great -- you got in home, just see your family on time. I was in a time of a big panic until all -- and I was very interesting because there was man attach he was very high up at the bank , and he was talking to you know the women in the bank and he said you know this is before to change the culture in the whole set of you in a such a way, because he said when a dad leaves the office on time to go and you know see his some playful -- he told to play in that in vice versa, then I wants to say work right dad, when a mom, leaves the office on time to go, and you know see that’s and he was a play -- pick them up for the nursery.
Today, you know people say what is the matter that so she committed today, and that think you know what they the messaging was sending was really clear as she knows a good you know if you investing time in your you are going to be much happier, you know so its leak your work home, go you pay 100% mom home and 100% work at chair work, and don’t try and you don’t worry about the other thing, and you don’t worry about what you should be taking in your hand you know.
Catrina Skipper: it cant be going otherwise, you can juggle, just the very quick question which I think -- is quite common, you might get dressed briefly mothers can worry about their children crying who are work in the day, and day she what’s going on the nursery and we found a question from the mother, I don’t know if my child has been happy on the nursery during the day the teachers all say but yes they can perfectly happy about in evening sometimes I will get a crying patch, what should they do about that should they question the nurseries, or they just say is to tiredness?
Lauraine Thomas: well, I think there are reasons, what children cry they might be hungry they might tired they might be bored, so actually you know they could be any -- as a mom you cant insisting just fantastic isn’t so If you, If you something that you are concerned about the -- food fries and support, you know you will be health psyche to all that you pay, that would much rather here from you, then you worry about it, and leave just the pieces of mind for them to tell you, you know I think keep asking you know advisory pick up the phone and do it don’t worry about it, they spend any more time on about it, take some action and just want to dairy if you cant of you know when the crying occurs, without any particular persons exactly sometimes you know when you with your healthy -- or GP they will ask lot of questions that you cant way think about shut offs that -- and you know as she get around two -- one time before you go and you keep the I just don tell any parents only thing you notice and then you know you might spoke in your mind into network happening anyways but, but always get support if you worried by the thing you know ask, ask -- or yes.