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Learn about the common mistakes made when flirting with a stranger.
Tags:How To Flirt,approaching strangers,confident dating,dating agency,dating life,dating tips,datingcoach,flirting with strangers,internet dating,learn dating,relationship advice flirting,singles dating
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Female: From twirling a strand of hair to giving bedroom eyes, it's hard to know how to flirt but here to help us out is dating coach Kateryna Spiwak and good grief, I'm so glad you’re here. I'm so bad at flirting like I just—
Kateryna Spiwak: Are we in a crisis?
Female: I'm in a crisis, I just recently was at the gym and this gorgeous looking guy was behind me at the fountain and he gave me the eye, I gave him the eye back and then I panic and then I ran away.
Kateryna Spiwak: What's with you to do that?
Female: It was like I don’t know what to do.
Kateryna Spiwak: You know it thought happened with so many people though they just panic in a moment they want the attention but then they're afraid of the attention. So what you could have done is just stayed there turned around and just say “Hi”.
Female: I wouldn’t even know what to answer.
Kateryna Spiwak: You would have frozen, right.
Female: Insert name here.
Kateryna Spiwak: Exactly that’s where the name comes in.
Female: I also realized what I was wearing and how I look and I think that’s what's made just kind of go “Oh, no your sweaty, get out, get out”.
Kateryna Spiwak: You see, you felt a little self conscious like you weren’t looking your best.
Female: I wasn’t at my best, I was a little.
Kateryna Spiwak: Oh, come on you're always at your best.
Female: See I wasn’t that sexy, yeah, I wasn’t as fresh as like—
Female: But you’re a little shock that like a guy is going to give you the eye. I remember when I was flirting it was like “Why he likes me, no what, no, what, no, what” you know you kind of panic.
Kateryna Spiwak: On what to do next, so tell me about some of the situations that you’ve had and how you handle them.
Female: Well I have someone pass me a note once it said “I would love to get to know you more, meet me at the bar for a drink” and I went the other way.
Female: I did I was too nervous, I was too shy but I thought the note was very daring on his part and I appreciated that you know the endeavor and now I talked about it all the time. But I didn’t go through with it because I was scared.
Kateryna Spiwak: Okay, well what were you scared off; this is a common problem for people.
Female: I felt like I should lie down. I was scared that like I wouldn’t say the right thing and I wouldn’t be as charming and witty as he probably thought I could be, all that stuff that you're supposed to be.
Kateryna Spiwak: Okay, well it's really important when you start flirting to remove any expectations from him because you freak yourself out; it's just talking to somebody. You're just letting another person know that you find him interesting, engaging and that you're enjoying their company.
Female: Well I have trouble with it because I don’t know if somebody is flirting with me. A lot of my guy friends would say to me, “He’s totally flirting with you” “No, he wasn’t we just having a conversation; I mean that it has nothing to do with flirting or sexual innuendo and all that stuff.”
Kateryna Spiwak: Okay, so what are you expecting to see?
Female: What do you mean—
Kateryna Spiwak: What do you think is flirting? Maybe we should talk about what's flirting actually is for you.
Female: Obviously I don’t know what it is.
Female: An art is flirting.
Kateryna Spiwak: Okay, well to give you a vague response at first, it's different things to different people but essentially as I was saying flirting is letting people that you’re interested in getting to know them better, talking to them, you’re enjoying their company and you want to just to have a conversation with them. We do different kinds of flirting in different situations, there is public flirting like you might make a comment to the guy behind the counter in the beer store or you might make a comment to somebody in the supermarket behind the counter and you're just being friendly in making their day and enlightening—
Female: Yeah, I do that all the time.
Kateryna Spiwak: So just small talk, exactly, just a small talk and just being friendly with people and then tere is social flirting which is done with the intent of letting somebody know that you have some interest. More platonic interest and that’s where you up the anti a little bit. That’s when you start adding more body language, gestures, facial expressions, you might say things that are little bit more suggestive and then there is private flirting which is what you do when you're with a guy behind close doors or you know your dating a guy on a date. Turing to setup a date and those kinds of thing it sends more over.
Female: But once you’ve made the eye contact the problem I have is what do I do after we've made eye contact and it's that awkward kind of like—
Female: Do you give him the look and he was kind like—
Female: Do you introduce yourself?
Kateryna Spiwak: Okay, okay well I just talk about it for a second. The present situation okay, there are different stages to the flirting process initially it's becoming visible. Like we say you're in a bar or a club or a party or anywhere even in the mall. You’ve got to scan the room and you’ve got to identify a target if you're interested. If you're into it, it's like hunting girls. You know, it's like shopping are we relating to that.
Female: Let’s say for shoes.
Female: Exactly it's like looking for shoes.
Female: I think I can get a good pair of shoes in the room.
Kateryna Spiwak: Exactly, so you’ve got to scan the environment if you identify a target then you start to establish interest that would be the second stage. So, either with the eye contact, prolonged eye contact, looking back a few times to make sure he notices you, smile.
Female: How long do you hold the eye contact?
Female: Yes, that's a good one.
Kateryna Spiwak: Well, first time is a couple of seconds you know, you’d look over at the person like I'm looking at you now then you look away and then you look back.
Female: That was very going.
Female: Do it to her.
Female: Okay, do it to me, do it to me.
Kateryna Spiwak: Look away and then look back again.
Female: Oh, she wants me.
Kateryna Spiwak: I feel like a fancy all of a sudden.
Female: You are..
Kateryna Spiwak: You tell him good things but you know, so you look back a couple of times and then you coupled out with a smile. So the third time it might be okay, here comes my coy smile, it might be you know, kind of look you know, you like tilt the head, look a little playful, look a little girly and that’s very effective.
Female: I just crap my—
Female: What do you feel, was that bad it's like—
Female: And when we come back Andrea will do more smiling with Katherine I can’t wait were going to get you. To be a good flirter—
Female: I like what that guy said about he like someone to direct and straight you know, straight to the point I can never be that woman but I like that fact that he said that.
Female: Well that what does he mean “Hi, I like you.”
Kateryna Spiwak: Umm, a combination of gestures is someone that are very direct I mean I've been in situations I’ll tell you a funny story. I was at a party ones okay, yes, I had too much too drink the liquid courage always helps.
Kateryna Spiwak: I can be a naughty girl, I was at this party there was this really cute guy across the room he was wearing a thick wool sweater. So I walk over to him and I said “You look really warm in that sweater do you need any help taking it off”. You know something like that.
Female: That’s a line.
Kateryna Spiwak: Oh, yeah, and it worked very well.
Female: You know, if some guy came out to me and said “Let me help you out of your sweater” I would like pow—
Kateryna Spiwak: Well depending on the guy.
Female: Are over the top.
Kateryna Spiwak: Exactly.
Female: Actually speaking of guys we actually have a caller. Noah, Noah has a question I want to hear from the guy.
Kateryna Spiwak: Let’s hear it from Noah.
Female: Hello, Noah.
Noah: Hi there.
Female: What's your question?
Noah: Well my girlfriend is a huge flirt, I mean huge and but she said that she doesn’t even know she’s doing it. I feel like she’s giving off signals that she’s single and it makes me kind of uncomfortable but I just you know I don’t know if I should be you know telling her to stop or sort of you know dealing with it in anyway.
Female: Get rid of her Noah, no I was joking.
Female: What do you care?
Kateryna Spiwak: I will respond to that I would say that it first of all depends on what kind of flirting. I mean if she is just being really friendly is there or there’s still on the line?
Female: He think—
Female: Well I think he has got it—
Female: I think he’s listening.
Kateryna Spiwak: For anyone in that situation you have to look at the type of flirting that the person is doing, are they just being friendly.
Female: Like grocery store flirting.
Kateryna Spiwak: Exactly, like “Hi, how are you doing, having a nice kind of thing” and as the guy just feeling threaten by that and then really is know where should the guy has the issue. But if it's more over, if it's suggestive or sexual then it's definitely a problem. So then that the guy should be thinking if she maybe feeling insecure, does she not feel attractive about her self, is there something that he can do to help her feel more attractive and pay her more attention. Flirt with her and that kind of thing, if that’s not working or it hasn’t worked he needs to have a conversation with her about it and tell her and let her know he’s feeling uncomfortable with it.
Female: Because it could be she needs the attention.
Kateryna Spiwak: Exactly.
Kateryna Spiwak: She could be feeling insecure and wants the attention. But she may not know that it's making you feel uncomfortable. So they need to have that conversation he may say “Hon, I don’t know if you realized this but when we go out and you licking your lips and looking at this guys over there”.
Female: You're looking huge.
Female: It's made me feel a little uncomfortable.
Female: Strangely enough.
Female: And so can you show us, how to flirt a couple tips.
Kateryna Spiwak: Sure, okay, one I'm just going to say what you need to do because men quite often don’t pick up onto lot of signals you need to use as many as possible.
Female: And so you use cards.
Kateryna Spiwak: Yeah, absolutely.
Female: Look at me.
Kateryna Spiwak: Absolutely, frank pen over the head. You need to use your body language; you're facial expressions, your tone of voice soft and then lower your tone of voice.
Female: Oh, lower tones.
Kateryna Spiwak: Soft as you're talking, exactly.
Female: That’s not going to work for high pitch salad over here.
Female: Yeah, you got of issue.
Kateryna Spiwak: Yes, and number of different things. You want to start with the eye contact and the smiles. You want to get into gazing, you want to tilt your head, you want to play with your hair and that’s a big one.
Female: Why is it hair is so big.
Kateryna Spiwak: I don’t know, I don’t know I mean you can ask you know the guys but seeing—
Female: There are a lot of boys here were going to asked them all here.
Kateryna Spiwak: Exactly, the seemed to able to pick up on that. The playing with the hair you know is close in your neck.
Female: Oh, so the neck is here.
Female: Look at me.
Kateryna Spiwak: You're definitely now flirting, right now as long as you don’t have any hikes from last night attractions and that’s a good thing.
Female: So that’s why you ware a turtle neck.
Kateryna Spiwak: No, anyway so what you do is expose your neck because it suggests that you're willing to be vulnerable to him. And it could also suggest that you want to be kissed.
Female: Just like Dracula.
Kateryna Spiwak: Yeah, that’s right.
Female: So it's like the exposure.
Kateryna Spiwak: It's a big range in the zone.
Female: I knew that.
Kateryna Spiwak: So you're becoming sexual by doing that and also with your body language and your posture. Sitting up straighter or standing straighter and that’s it sticking them out girl.
Female: Says that it's.
Female: Okay, and see I have the worst posture this is what I do right.
Kateryna Spiwak: You can do that you have to stick them out, my mother use to do that me “Stick it out”.
Female: Years of dance class good posture.
Kateryna Spiwak: I mean this are prettying behaviors and letting a guy know that your interested it's a little bit more over, you know sticking the chest out, sticking the rear out that’s what the height is also for.
Female: Is this working for you Jonathan.
Female: Yeah, Jonathan is this working for you, well how does my back look?
Jonathan: Sticking the chest out thing had caught my interest I was thinking okay, giddy up, now were working on the show, I want to work on. But we start to hit off before, we had a thing.
Female: She’s flirting with him off you know when we were during break.
Female: Just to live on that.
Female: Something which was normal.
Jonathan: See this time I was thinking should I sit right on the edge or should I go sit in right there. That’s where, I wish there was room, I always assumed a woman flirting with me, I don’t need to many signals get over to yourself.
Female: We have to take a quick little break, oh, I'm getting hot Allison is here she’s going to talk all about belts we need belts right now.